That’s my job, and currently my state of mind.  Tomorrow I return to work, and because of what’s happening there, I will be faced with a lot of unresolved issues that don’t appear as if they’re going to be resolved anytime soon.  I have been avoiding much, except when backed into a corner, and then I’m totally reacting instead of being proactive, planning ahead and being thoughtful.

My anxiety level is at a 12, and where in the past I’ve been able to manage it around a 5 or a 6, it’s gotten out of hand and now getting it back down to do-able is exponentially more difficult.  I’ve been doing a couple of things to help this part of the equation, and so once I’ve gotten myself back to baseline, I can be more authentically productive in all areas of my life.

In my head is this:

Someone stole our debit card numbers, and while I know there will be some resolution that most-likely involves restoring our account to its previous levels, waiting until that happens, and negotiating this at the beginning of the month when every single bill I have is due, is obviously stressful.  I know I will have to make some changes to how I use my cards in the future, which at this point is just one more thing added to the stack of things to think about.

I have started but not successfully maintained a bunch of the projects that I started this year.  The first thing I need to do tomorrow is to make an overall plan for those items.  Last year I kept on top of all the huge things so that when the daily craziness came into view, I was able to handle it and move on without feeling overwhelmed.  The avoidance of the last few months has set me up so that I am dealing with too many things all at once, so again, once I’m at baseline, and have a plan for managing these projects, I’ll be much more at ease.

The future looms large, and I have a couple of decisions to make in that regard.  Some involving a long-term commitment, some short-term.  I think I will be better equipped to make these decisions in a week or so.  I hope I am afforded the time – School, school, work, moving, big picture stuff.

As always, I’m not spending enough time with the kids, and when I do it’s not how I want it to be.  I spend a majority of the time with them managing their behavior, which I partially feel is my duty as their mother, but on the other hand makes me feel like a nag.  Thankfully, they get to spend a lot more time with their dad than me.  He’s the fun parent and I should count my blessings that the fun parent is the one who gets to spend the most time with them.  Better for the kids. Intellectually I’m okay with this, emotionally not so much.

So today is my last day of vacation, but obviously I haven’t been very relaxed.  I don’t feel ready to go back, not because I don’t love my work, because I do, but because right now, I don’t feel very well-equipped to do my job at the level I’d like.



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