Energy’s been kind of low because I’m having a hard time reconciling what I want to be doing with what I should be doing. Trying to make those things fit together, so I don’t get myself in a situation where I wish I was doing something else once I get to wherever it is I’m going. Does that make sense? Because it finally does to me.
My original goal for this year was to stay home with the kids before they head into real school. When we thought about all the energy it would take to set up shop in France only to move again 7 months later, we decided Portland would be the better place to go: cheap, good schools, permanence. Then when the reality of actually moving there set in, we had buyer’s remorse. Portland totally makes sense on a practical level, but on an emotional level, I just can’t seem to make it feel right. We may be completely fooling ourselves, thinking we can make it in the Bay Area without falling into the evil trap of treadmill-living and compromised quality time with each other. I want to live a simple life: I want to send my kids to a good school, I want to be able to walk to where I shop and services, I want to be close to friends and family, and I want access to good health care for my children. I don’t think I’m asking a whole hell of a lot with this, but what I want doesn’t seem to be supported in this culture. And although France does and would support this lifestyle, unless I intend to become a citizen, and I’m not ready right now to make that commitment, we can’t pretend at being residents. But I can still feel, really feel, myself there; every memory of being in France is good, and visceral and real. My focus is still on the original goal of spending this waning time with the kids, but I realize now that I have complicated it by trying to accomplish too much with each decision. I’ve gotten myself into a place where I feel guilty and paralyzed with every possible opportunity. I keep waiting for the epiphany or answer to come along, the situation which will cover all the bases, nicely and neatly, but I think deep down I know that ain’t coming.
I’m learning folks. I’m trying.